This has been a big week for Star Wars. With the debut of the teaser trailer for “Solo: A Star Wars Story” and the announcement that Game of Thrones writers David Benioff and D.B. Weiss will be helming a new series, it’s clear that Disney is ready to take things to the next level.
So, what can we expect from Disney going forward? Glad you asked. Here are five new Star Wars movies that we’re almost positive are in the works.
Lando’s Retirement: A Ho-Hum Star Wars Story
After failing to pop up in “The Force Awakens” and “The Last Jedi,” plenty of Star Wars fans were left with burning questions over what happened to Han Solo’s friend, Lando Calrissian.
Well, guess no longer. This movie finally gets to the bottom of it, and the answer.
You see, Lando successfully applied for a reverse mortgage on Cloud City that allowed him to access his home’s equity and set up enough of a cash flow to step down from his day-to-day job.
Watch in awe as the galaxy’s favorite gambler rediscovers himself by spending time with his family and exploring new hobbies. He earned it.
That Cave Worm Thing: A Totally Necessary Star Wars Story
Since Disney is dedicated to uncovering every little aspect of the Galaxy far, far away, it’s only a matter of time before we see some minor characters get their cinematic due.
Remember that Cave Worm Thing from “Empire Strikes Back”? It turns out that it actually has its own elaborate backstory!
That Cave Worm Thing (which apparently is called an Exogorth in Star Wars canon; look it up) was once a noble Jedi, proudly defending civilization from the evil Sith with the help of his giant teeth and gestational parasites.
Star Wars die-hards will be pleased to see cameos from other unsung heroes of the franchise, including that Trash Compactor Worm Thing from the Death Star and the Swamp Worm Thing That Spat Out R2D2 on Yoda’s Dagobah planet.
Jabba: A Thinly Veiled Star Wars Allegory
If there’s one thing audiences love about Star Wars, it’s heavy-handed symbolism. From the bad guys dressing like literal Nazis to Anakin Skywalker screaming George W. Bush quotes verbatim, politics have always played a role in this space opera.
Now, there’s a story for the modern age.
Jabba the Hutt was introduced to moviegoers as a notorious crime lord, but he didn’t always have it so easy. This movie chronicles his rise from a Tatooine real estate mogul to a natural-born leader.
Tucked between are scenes of Jabba grappling with numerous controversies, including clashes with smugglers who claim he never paid them, lawsuits from reality TV show contestants he threw in the Rancor pit and, you know, that, uh, whole “making-women-wear-metal bikinis” thing.
Easily Marketable Characters: A $tar War$ $tory
Released just in time for Christmas, this movie will see Star Wars’ most lucrative characters team-up for an action-packed, family-friendly adventure!
The plot hasn’t really been fleshed out yet, but the plans for plush toys, Halloween costumes, breakfast cereals, and video games are probably all coming along nicely.
Fan Servizz: A Star Wars Story and OMG They Brought Back Yoda Again
For those frustrated by “The Last Jedi,” fear no more, Disney has heard your complaints!
After a year of scouring through the comments on Star Wars message boards, the franchise is ready to introduce your next favorite character: Fan Servizz, a bounty hunter Jedi who killed Jar Jar Binks and is, like, Darth Vader’s nephew or something.
He’s also Han Solo’s best friend, has Mace Windu’s lightsaber, and constantly drops references to the previous movies.
Are you psyched yet?
Look, don’t blame Disney. You wanted this.
Justin Duckham (@Jduckham) is a correspondent for Talk Media News. Garth von Ahnen is a cartoonist and satirist based in Santa Cruz, Calif. His work can be seen at ArtByGarth.com. The two have contributed comics to the Washington Examiner and Mediaite.
If you would like to write an op-ed for the Washington Examiner, please read our guidelines on submissions here.